Infidelity threatening family unit…

Robin Muchetu

“We try to look good and do the best for our husbands, but sometimes they fail us by not providing the love we deserve and long for in our marriages, we want it from them, but at times they come home heavily intoxicated and violent.”

These are the words of a heartbroken woman, Ms Thembi Moyo (not her real name) who was pushed into infidelity as her husband constantly denied her conjugal rights.

While she acknowledged that infidelity was wrong, she said men have for a long time been abusing them and not taking charge and care for their needs hence her decision.

Ms Moyo’s story is not unique to her alone as hundreds of women share similar sentiments of broken unions, infidelity fuelled by neglect from their husbands and abuse in their marriages.

This prompted the First Lady Dr Auxillia Mnangagwa to seek interface with both women and men around the country and hear why they have delved into waters considered taboo for women from time immemorial as many have turned against the institution and are now engaging in extra marital affairs.

The First Lady touched by the many stories of broken men and women launched the Afrikana Family Humanism programme which seeks to identify the root causes of infidelity in couples, particularly women who she said were not typically wired to do that, but were finding themselves in a web of lies, infidelity and deceit.

She took her programme to the Southern region where she interacted with delegates from Matabeleland North, Matabeleland South and Bulawayo provinces jointly and listened attentively to each of the women’s heartrending testimonies of challenges they are facing, narrated by women who have strayed from their marriages following various challenges.

“The problem is that once these men marry us, they start to look aside for other women, you try by all means to do your best. We wake up very early, clean the home, bath the children, wash clothes and cook but the men still go out to other women. They become rough when confronted, in my case I ended up cheating in that marriage,” said one woman.

“We were brought up in the nhanga/gota/ixhiba and we were taught how to take care of our husbands. We did our best, but now these men treat us badly yet we respect them. We are supposed to build the home together.

“We enjoy making love to our husbands daily as women, but sometimes they deny us this chance and we now seek these pleasures elsewhere and there is violence in the home. When we tell our elders they just tell us to hold on but we have feelings too,” added one woman who had attended the interface.

The leading cause of most of the infidelity by women is the lack of marital pleasure that the women said they are no longer getting in their marriages.

“We are young women, we also want to enjoy pleasures of intimacy, but sometimes our husbands come home too drunk to even do anything so overtime you find out that we then go and find someone on the side that pleases us.

“That is what is happening, we try on several occasions to initiate intimacy, we cook good food and dress up well, but they turn a blind eye. Semunhuwo anenge aripa marriage unotodawo kudiwa and sharing your body with your husband, but after a while we give in to pressure and we find those who can offer us that which we lack in the marriage. We are not doing this for money at all” she added.

She said women also have roles that play in the home, but are never too tired to engage in intimacy with their husbands.

Another woman gave advice to the women saying they also have a role to play.

“I have been married for many years, the aunts had a huge role in nurturing and guiding us in our marriage, this made us stronger and kept the bond.

“But our children today find themselves divorced; it is because they are entering marriage for monetary benefits. They are leaving husbands that are no longer economically active and it is sad.

“They also lack intimacy with their partners. When my husband used to work I knew the time he would arrive from work and I would bathe and clean up well. He would find me in our bedroom, our private space ready to engage in intimacy.

“The young ones are not doing this anymore, they do not want their husband to enjoy love making, they even sleep in their night dresses and tracksuits,” she said.

The First Lady after hearing the issues and complaints from the women, addressed a joint session with the men who were having a similar engagement on the side-lines and addressed them on the importance of rebuilding broken marriages.

“It is with great humility that a profound sense of responsibility that I stand before you today. I extend my heartfelt gratitude for your presence at this gathering. This marks a significant step forward in addressing pressing issues affecting our families and the broader fabric of our society.

“Today, we delve into an issue that resonates deeply within our communities, the Afrikana Family Humanism Programme aimed at addressing the alarming violence and divorce rates across the nation. As we gather here we are confronted with a stark reality where our families face unprecedented challenges.

“Our families are the backbone of our society. It is our duty to ensure they remain strong, united and nurturing, yet we find ourselves at crossroads facing a multitude of challenges that threaten the sanctity of marriage and the essence of family life,” she said.

She said some disturbing issues are received in her office via the toll free line 575 where women report cases of Gender Based Violence saying women who for the longest time have been victims of abuse, but are now being reported at the forefront of infidelity.

“It is critical to understand that for too long women have been suffering in silence and need to be supported to get out of some of the behaviours they are picking up, “she said

She lamented reports of violent crime and divorce rates across the nation caused by the breakdown of the family structure which she is on a drive to help restore.

Dr Mnangagwa, however, underscored the role of men in this predicament facing the country as there is breakdown of communication in the marriages.

“I stand before you today not to judge but to encourage dialogue, be open and honest where both parties can air their grievances and work towards amicable solutions. We must not forget that in our marriages and families and it is our responsibility to seek to understand one another, to listen with empathy,” she emphasised.

She reinforced that parents must remain cognisant of the fact that they are the leading examples of their families and must not neglect values of Ubuntu/hunhu and culture that glue families together.

“The values we instil in our families will shape their future and also proffer mutual respect for one another. As parents we are the leading examples for our children, the values we instil in our families today, will shape their future tomorrow,” she said.

Furthermore, Dr Mnangagwa said the interactions with the women and also the men are a platform to share experiences and proffer solutions to challenges befalling the family unit, marriages being topical.

One representative from the men also narrated their concerns to the First Lady regarding women and marriage.

“Women are sometimes rude and moody towards us; they are not kind enough to serve us food properly unonzi sadza rako iro, achinongedza negumbo apa rakapfeka bhachi (they serve us cold food without showing much respect).

“Please respect us in the home because our children see how you relate to us and they copy that. Remember that behind every successful man is a woman so if we work together we will go places. We do admit that we also do wrong, hubenzi wedu ndewekuti hatigutsikani (we also stray and are not satisfied with our women sometimes),” he said.

He said a culture of oneness and love needs to be re-cultivated in families adding that GBV is not an option. He commended the First Lady’s Afrikana family Humanism programme which he said is giving them life lessons.

“Let us help ourselves as men and love our wives adequately to avoid many challenges being spoken about here,” he added.

Another representative also shed light into how challenges they were facing in their marriages can be solved even for the future generations.

“We are grateful to the First Lady for such a programme to also tackle the infidelity that we men are engaged in.

“I am glad that we have our traditional leaders present, the Nhanga/Gota programme needs to be supported, they can assist us to ensure that young people are nurtured from a tender age to avoid future problems like what we are seeing today,” he said.

She reiterated that men and women must recommit to saving their marriages saying together couples can forge futures that are rooted in love, respect and trust which keeps the family unit intact.

She shunned infidelity saying it leads to the spread of disease, loss of dignity and eventually death leaving young children without parents and nurturers. Both men and women were encouraged to remain faithful, respectful and steer away from behaviours that tear families apart.

Through her Angel of Hope Foundation, Dr Mnangagwa donated food hampers to the elderly from the three provinces much to the delight of the recipients who said the food came at an opportune time.

She also brought with her a 30 tonne consignment of wheat, 15 tonnes that was distributed equally among the three provinces and another 15 tonnes that will be distributed to Khami Prison, children’s homes and orphanages. – Herald